9 Reasons Why Jason Derulo’s ‘Trumpets’ is Not Good
Thanks to pictures of Jason frolicking with dogs, poor musical choices and unadulterated arrogance, Hetty doesn’t like Trumpets by Jason Derulo. Read on for other reasons.
1. The introductory bit where he squeals is not surely real? I take offense to it. The family cat twitched when she heard the first note, before nonchalance fixed itself on her face for the rest of this ‘song’. Jason is known for his vocal athletics, but the first note sounds like a small animal being forced into a trouser press. I don’t want to hear it. We hear even more of this later on, only higher.
2. The video starts with him sat on the bed looking with a smug smile on his face at some girl seductively twisting about the bed in her bra and knickers. We must presume that in the narrative he wishes to present that this girl is his partner, whilst in real life we know it’s just dumb voyeurism. Later on, he takes off his top for a few shots against a brick wall, but one feels too disgusted by his self-love to really appreciate this Gender Equality move. Later, the girlfriend sits – in lingerie of course – on his lap in a nightclub, and does some pole-dancing for him. He smokes a cigar and is dressed up an LA 1920s stock broker.
3. Whenever Jason and his Girlf get intimate and start to kiss, and the whole thing softens to a sort of mutual affection, a bunch of trumpeters in Poundland soldier outfits stampede over the bed and around the bedroom (or on and in the car later on). If I were his girlfriend, I would not like this arrangement (in addition to a few other minor issues with anti-social squeaking, arrogance et cetera).
4. Jason asks a series of questions, all of which start with ‘is it weird that..?’ Such is the weirdness of the things he lists (as well as his inability to think of synonyms for ‘weird’) that one feels the questions are somewhere between rhetorical and moronic. ‘Is it weird that your ass/ Remind me of a Kanye West song?’ ‘Is it weird that your eyes/ Remind me of a Coldplay song?’ ‘Is it weird that your bra/ Remind me of a Katy Perry song?’ Yes.
5. The song builds up to what Jason probably thinks is a feel-good climax of (you guessed it!) trumpets, drums and his repeated assertion that ‘the trumpets, they go..’ I was almost reminded of the fleeting glee Mika brought us with his various offerings of happy-go-lucky high-pitched pop. Unfortunately, a really shite backing track just made me feel anger towards the recycled nature of Jason’s ‘music’. And the build-up wasn’t really a build-up because the backing track came in full blast before the first chorus.
6. ‘Every time you get undressed / I hear symphonies in my head.’ Dearest Jason: A) I very much doubt this. B) If this is true, why didn’t you write a symphony instead of this crap? C) WHY do you persist in doing that annoying ‘sym-*beat*-phonies’ thing, apparently for the sake of rhythm? Couldn’t you have written it any other way? It’s killing me.
7. There’s some hideous electric noise just before the last trumpety sound (8), which sounds like the congratulatory noise you get on a kid’s toy.
8. At the end Jason seemingly steals the high pitched trumpets from the BBC’s The One Show. How dare he?!
9. The dog in the video is kind of off-putting sat there on the bed, and keeps on inexplicably moving about the bed in between shots, as if it has a little doggy teleport hidden underneath its little ugly doggy paws, enveloped in the duvet. Above the bed, Jason has a big portrait of his oiled-up torso. The other two smaller pictures hung up are of him and his dog frolicking on the bed.