Life Without My Mum

There’s not many people my age you meet who can say they watched their mum die before their eyes but sadly that is my story.

Being told someone close to you is dying makes you question and second guess every action you have taken in the past and every action you take in the present. I was constantly thinking I should have tried harder on this random occasion two years ago or we should have spoken more or I should visit home more often. Juggling this with uni work, having a social life, a job and generally trying to act like a normal human being without crying every two minutes was pretty hard. But I managed and it seemed like she was getting better and the chemotherapy might be giving her a few more precious years.

Sadly this was not to be.

In September 2013 she was given three to five months and I now had to make the heart-wrenching decision whether to stay in Canterbury for my final year or postpone to stay at home and make final memories with my Mum. It was a really difficult decision but of course I chose to stay at home. This turned out to be for the best as she died only two weeks later.
Her death came as such a shock. Even with the physical evidence of her decline in front of me I think I was still living in fairy land and somehow didn’t think she would actually die. I really didn’t see it coming as soon as it did.

Everybody says losing someone gets easier. They totally lie. Yeah I don’t cry as much anymore but there is not a minute that goes by I don’t think about her or miss her or worry that I’m going to one day forget her voice or her face in my mind.

I found out my graduation date two weeks ago and had a breakdown. I spent the evening unable to stop crying and asking why I had to spend the rest of my life without my Mum. But this is the way life is going to be. There are going to be so many events where your first thought is: ‘I want to tell my mum’, and I’m not going to be able to and this makes me so sad.

Occasions are always hard. Most people take Mother’s Day for granted but you wouldn’t believe the amount of reminders for it everywhere you turn.

Organised to the last my Mum prepared my sisters and I a shared letter and an individual card for after she died and it is things like this that give me comfort when I’m feeling sad.
The last eighteen months have definitely been a struggle. But, I try my best not to wallow and live my life to the fullest in honour of my beautiful Mum who I know would have given anything to still be here with me.