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Three Lions Put Down with Novichok after failing to get past a Semi

Three English lions bred in a Moscow zoo have been unceremoniously put down with the nerve agent Novichok, after failing to achieve even a semi with their Croatian counterparts.

Their demise represents another failed opportunity for English lions to breed with their native species, having failed to do so since 1966, with this current pack expected to be the last chance for the species to survive, for another four years.

The Lions in question, unable to charm their Croatian partners with flowers, poems, and drunken “It’s coming home” singing

The ordeal on Wednesday lasted for 2 hours, with reports at the zoo initially proclaiming victory after 5 minutes, as the English lions had successfully offered the Croats tickets to a music festival for the following Monday.

However, things abruptly turned sour an hour later when the Croat lions found that the festival in question was in fact an endless rendition of “It’s coming home” being sung by an inevitably drunk Frank Skinner.

A lion mating specialist at the scene, Geoff Hurst, described the encounter at this point as “unusual, but not entirely unprecedented”, elaborating that “most lion mating sessions last around 90 minutes, but those pesky German ones in 1966 had to be cheated on before we got anywhere with them”.

After 90 minutes of intense attempted mating, both sets of lions surprised the eager watching audience by finally initiating mating, a feat that disappointingly only lasted minutes before the English lions finally admitted their lack of a semi.

The Croat lion breeder, Luka Modric, infamous for growing his hair like a lion to further his bond with the animals.

At this point, the Croat lions left in disappointment the next morning, and wishing they had instead got paired with a more handsome German breed.

Manager of the zoo, Vladimir Putin (Lord, Saviour and Messiah), consequently put down the English lions with Novichok as to not disappoint the audience further, as he later confessed: “that’s not the first English I’ve used this on”.

As a result of the lions’ ejaculation problems, the breeder of the Croatian lions at Moscow zoo, Modric, confirmed that “we are currently trying to organise a mating between the Croats and some proud French lions on Sunday”

However, when pressed for comment, the French zoo in question could not guarantee the lion encounter, offering a rooster as a token gift instead.

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